The war continues and, after today, I'm not sure who the winner might be.
Today was a fairly rough day. Fairly is putting it lightly. Today was very hard. I got up, took the medicine and went into work without any really problems. Then the urges, cravings and overall battle for the fate of my non-smoking soul began.
When I first started taking Chantix, I wondered if it was actually working. After about a week and a half, I felt like I could actually stop smoking because I really didn't care all that much about smoking anymore. So, I did it. When I smoked the last Marlboro Light in the pack, I didn't buy another pack. The old me would have seriously panicked. Not this time. I honestly didn't really care all that much. So right there, I thought the medicine was definitely working. And yesterday wasn't really all that bad. I was expecting worse, but it never really seriously hit me.
Today, it did.
Now, understand, I work in a pretty stressful environment and the only time I get to have a few minutes to myself to think about what I'm doing or what I'm about to do with something is when I'd go outside to smoke. Gather my thoughts, plan things out, etc. It was also a chance for me to unwind for a few minutes and get away from the stress of the job. Yesterday wasn't really all that stressful.
Today, it was.
As I'm sitting at my desk, the cravings/urges/desires really start to kick in. Hard. The back of my throat feels weird. I feel panicked in different ways for things that normally I'm not normally panicky. And on more than one occasion, I snapped at a few people. I'm not normally the kind of guy to be mean to someone just to be mean. My patience today, however, was razor thin. I've tried my best to tell people I work with that I'm trying to quit smoking and that I might be a bit of an asshole at least in the beginning. I apologized profusely beforehand for anything I might do or say while going through the nicotine withdrawal.
Another thing that bugs me is that I honestly thought this medicine was supposed to make it so that the withdrawal wouldn't be so bad. Granted, I'm not freaking out as badly as when I tried to quit cold turkey (and failed miserably, mind you), but the withdrawal's still there. I'm guessing like any other chemical reaction, the body is used to a certain amount of something if you feed it that for a long period of time and, if you cut off the supply, your body tends to let you know about it in all kinds of violent ways.
Another thing I noticed is that I'm starting to drink a lot more water. I mean a hell of a lot more water for no apparent reason. I have a three-liter bottle that I fill up at the water cooler at work and then put into my little fridge at my desk. The past two days, I've gone through that thing pretty quickly. Of course, this is leading to many more trips to the restroom, so I guess I'm making up for the "me time" I'm not getting by smoking. A sad and very strange trade-off.
To be honest, I'd love to talk to some people who are going through what I'm going through right now. There are times when you go through this and a small voice makes you believe you're the only person who's doing this and you feel really lonely, especially if no one around you is quiting. So, if you're out there, I'd love to hear from you. Let me know what you're doing and how it's going. I wish everyone success and I hope we all come through this smoke free and proud.
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3 comments:
Yep, tons of us are out there doing this Chantix thing and blogging about it. Swing by my blog and take a look at some of the links to other bloggers doing the same. Reading about the experience of others and even interacting through comments back and forth has helped me tremendously, almost as much as the Chantix ;) I'd be glad to add yours to the mix, too, if you'd like.
For me the first day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but some of the days shortly after got kind of rugged. I think it's partly because at first there is all of the pumping ourselves up for the "big day," but as we actually fight off the urges to smoke, it's like it starts to wear us down. I shouldn't speak so generally, but at least that was how it seemed for me.
Anyway, you've made it hours beyond the first 24 hours, so that means that you really CAN do this! Just a day at a time, you know that you can go a day without smoking. The Chantix does help, but it does require cooperation - some days more than others. I will tell you, with plenty of joy in my lungs, that sitting at Day 40 (technically Day 41, but I haven't gone to bed yet), the days are getting WAY easier. Still some tough moments once in awhile, but overall, much, much better. You'll be there and even well beyond before you know it if you just keep going. So just keep going!
Water is good for you, consider it a side benefit. Creating healthier habits in place of old nasty ones.
Having recently met my own smoke-free soul, which I had never gotten to know since I lit up as a teenager, I have to say I rather like her. I'm sure you'll feel the same about your soul.
You can drop by BlogFabulous anytime, we've got a bunch of people exploring their non-smoking souls over there.
It's worth the struggle to be free of the Philip Morris Shackles.
Tracee Sioux
BlogFabulous on Chantix
http://www.blogfabulous.com/chantix
So Sioux Me on Addiction Off
http://traceesioux.blogspot.com/2007/07/addiction-off.html
The best thing you can possibly do to fight off the urges and make it through the first couple of days is to drink lots of water. Sounds like even your body is trying to tell you to do that. At around my 4th day of quitting on Chantix I seriously thought I may have drown myself by drinking to much water. I believe on one day I must have drank like 16 liters of water. Spend some time reading some of the blogs Maggie links to it was very helpful for me to read about how other people were doing in their chantix quits
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